Doing the turkey shuffle. Or how to cook the bird?

                 Alright. What? you actually thought you were going to get away with NOT making a turkey and all the trimmings for Thanksgiving didn't you? Muhahahahha! Nope, no way.You're cooking!  And no frozen lasagna this year. You are going to make it all. Turkey, stuffing, and macaroni and cheese. Hmm..does any of this sound familiar to you? It should if you've been reading this blog, you already know how to make these! (well except for the bird, but we'll get to that) Now, quit your whining and go wash your hands, we've go work to do. :o)

So as you look at this turkey,(Jive turkey!..sorry) ahem.. you'll see that it's really just a big chicken. However if thought of roasting a chicken sends you running for cover than this is worst than I thought. The way to make nice with a turkey is to use a turkey bag. Reynolds (as in the aluminum foil people.) makes oven safe bags for this very purpose. Forget the Norman Rockwell picture of mama basting the bird at the oven door, life is short and we are going to use the bag! Now,where was I? Oh yes..the turkey (hereafter to be known as the bird or...jive turkey!) HAHA! Anyway, you'll need to clean the bird. There is no such thing as a clean bird. I don't care how good it looks. They all have feathers and stuff and they need to be looked over before you cook them. If you don't clean the bird, expect a house call from your local poultry police..I'll send them to you and.they will lock you up in the chicken coop! Ok that was bad...i'm done..really. So how do you clean the bird, chicken, turkey, duck,.same thing. Take your bird and run your hands over it. Feathers are hard. The fluffy part has been pulled out mechanically and all that's left is the hard part that's left in the skin. That's what you want. Take a butter knife and pinch the feather between your thumb and knife and pull it out. Do this for your whole bird. Now rinse. There are also flaps of skin, generally on the front or back of the turkey that have a ton of feathers and it's just not worth it to pick each one out. Just get a sharp knife and cut them off. Toss in the garbage and your problem is solved. Stick you hand on the inside and remove giblet bag. I cannot TELL you how many times I have forgotten to remove the bag from the inside of the bird. It's harmless, just don't to make a habit of it. What exactly is in the giblet bag? The turkey neck, the heart, and liver and the gizzard. Good stuff for stock, but I digress. Back to the bird.
    Put the giblet bag aside and no you can't throw it away.  Remember, I have the poultry police on speed dial!
Now if your bird has no more feathers and you've rinsed it well put it on a clean platter and season it; inside and out. I use seasoned salt,(Lawry's, or McCormick's or Adobo or your own creation, whutevuh works for you) pepper, garlic and onion powder. I also stick a whole onion inside, you can also stick a carrot some celery, a parsley sprig. The idea is to season the bird. All of these things add flavor while the bird cooks. Now put your bird in the oven bag. Depending on how big your bird is you may need help! This is a good time to talk about what size bird to get. Generally I go by how much I like turkey. Now in my house, no one really likes turkey so I don't buy a 47 pound bird! Even though there's 7 people in the house. I get like a 10 or 12 pound bird. That works for soup, or sandwiches. And to top it off no one eats dark meat. ( not to mention, my favorite vegan who doesn't even eat meat!) Moment of silence for me... Yeah so the point is to know your people. If it's just you, than buy accordingly. Also don't think that you'll freeze the rest and eat it later. No one wants to open a mystery package of meat in April to eat last thanksgiving's turkey. Leftover frozen turkey tastes like cardboard, only cardboard has a whole lot more flavor. So based on that, buy what you think you'll need. Follow the directions on the oven bag packaging. Basically, it's put bird in bag with seasoning put your bag in a roasting pan, pyrex, oven safe ( meaning all metal) stock pot? whatever you have that will fit the bird, and add the stock. Tie the bag closed with the supplied tie, and poke holes in it with a fork or slit the top a knife to let the steam out. Not hard. Let's get our bird in the oven.

   Now, 300 degrees is considered a low oven, in other words your bird is not going to cook fast. If you have a 25 pound bird (why??) and you put it on 300 it should be ready on Christmas Eve. If you are cooking a large bird, put it on 350 or so and it should be done in about  4 to 5 hours. (or days!) This is just not my idea of fun. If you have a bird that large, consider cutting it into parts, clean and season each part. Pack the parts in groups in ziploc bags and freeze them. Put the giblets and boney parts in separate bags and  pack in a ziploc as well.  Don't forget to clean and season everything. Nothing is thrown away except fatty portions with lots of feathers. (yuk) Once you do this, you can pick and choose what parts you want to cook. And because it's raw and seasoned You can cook the breast and the legs for thanksgiving and the wings and thighs for another meal and so on. I have done this many times and it really works. The pieces have been living in all of that seasoning so when you cook them they are so wonderfully flavored all the way through. Make sure you clean your hands really well. I wash them with Dawn and then spray the antibacterial spray directly under my fingernails and all over my hands, clean under my nails, rinse in hot water and wash again.Then I just use a really good moisturizer like Udder Cream or something else that's non greasy. Or you can try using gloves, they've never worked for me.
Okay your bird is in the oven and now you can clean up. (more cleaning?..yas!) A word about cleaning up. Raw meat has germs and you'll need an antibacterial kitchen spray to kill those germs. Use paper towels to wipe up all the water that splashed during the feather hunt. That way you can just throw it away. (Not green I know) After you've wiped the water, spray all of your surfaces generously with the antibacterial spray. Don't forget the faucet, the other sink, if you have a double sink. Behind the appliances on the counter, the back splash behind the faucet. And dry with a paper towel. Spray the Dawn bottle and wipe it down. Make sure to let the spray go in all the nooks and crannies on the sink. Then wipe everything dry. Lastly, spray a paper towel until it's damp and wipe the refrigerator handle and the garbage can top. I know this may seem excessive but you want your sink and counters spotless and germ free so you can continue to cook with confidence.
While the bird is in the oven I can finish my laundry, fuss at some kids and maybe even run to the grocery store. Why..because I'm not in a rush. Cooking is supposed to be an enjoyable endeavor. If you look at Thanksgiving as dinner, rather than a large event you'll relieve yourself of all the stress. Be mindful of who you've invited to your table, if they're stress producers leave them home. Invite people that will encourage you and celebrate your accomplishments. Don't invite a lot of them, maybe like two. There, stress gone poof!
Lets pretend that it's about 3 hours or so later and the bird is done. That's a guesstimate for my 10-12 pound bird. You will have to use your judgment. Generally, no less than 2 hours on 300 degree oven. You pull it out of the oven, and open the bag and see that it's falling apart. The legs have pulled away from the body and the liquid on the bottom is bubbling. The final test is the breast meat. You take a slice off and taste it and it melts in your mouth! WOW! you are amazing!
p.s..do not under any circumstances present your bird at the table and attempt to carve it.  Do your damage in the kitchen and present your masterpiece on a platter. They won't care as long as it's cooked. My turkey's are rarely photogenic. The cooking bag makes the bird so moist that the meat literally falls off the bone, and  that sounds like good eating to me.